By the Only Honest Man in a Crooked Business

THE TAKEAWAY (because your attention span is shorter than Jimmy V’s pulse):

Velvet Empress didn’t wrestle Miss USA. Leo Maximus cheated like a man who Googled “how to cheat.” Adam Glory rewrote history again. And the Fuego Family committed arson with hips.

Now let’s talk about what actually happened on this fever dream of a broadcast.

🔥 OPENING HYPE PACKAGE — “PRESTIGE. PSYCHOLOGY. PYRO.”

SLAM opened with a heartbeat, a skyline, and Scott Cooper pretending he wasn’t reading off a teleprompter written by a caffeinated intern.

Then Jimmy V screamed something about bruised dreams, which is also how I describe my inbox.

Valerie Vortex tried to keep things grounded, but this is SLAM — gravity is optional.

The show promised “prestige.”

What we got was “Philadelphia.”

👑 VELVET EMPRESS vs “MISS USA” — OR SO WE THOUGHT

Let me be clear: I knew something was off the moment Miss USA didn’t threaten to suplex a flagpole.

The match was fine — good even — but it felt like watching a stunt double wrestle in a Halloween costume.

Turns out that’s because IT WAS.

Jinx Jester in Miss USA’s vintage mask? The Trickster Sister ambushing Velvet after the match The Empress bleeding backstage like she just lost a Game of Thrones finale?

This division isn’t evolving. It’s mutating.

And honestly? I’m here for it.

If you want me to break down the psychology of the switcheroo, that's a follow up article waiting to happen.

🔧 CARNIVAL STRONGMAN vs MANIAC MECHANIC — OSHA’S NIGHTMARE

This match was less “wrestling” and more “Home Depot on bath salts.”

Mechanic brought a wrench. Strongman no-sold it like it was a coupon.

Mechanic brought oil. Strongman wiped it off like a dad cleaning a grill.

Mechanic brought a power drill. Strongman snapped it in half like a breadstick.

This wasn’t a match.

This was a lawsuit waiting to happen.

If you want my full breakdown of Strongman’s undefeated run that journalistic piece of business is a work in progress.

🔥 FUEGO FAMILY vs AGENTS OF ORDER — “NO COPS”

Backstage, the Agents of Order got locked out of a room by a fire extinguisher.

A FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

Alejandro Fuego yelling “NO TRESPASSING, NARCOS!” might be the greatest line in SLAM history.

The match itself? Chaos. Rhythm. Salsa-fueled disrespect.

The Fuegos cheated. The Agents complained. The crowd danced.

Order was not restored. Order was not even attempted.

🦁 LEO MAXIMUS vs VICTOR STEELE — “THE LION, THE CYBORG, AND THE LOW BLOW”

Victor Steele wrestles like a spreadsheet. Leo Maximus wrestles like a motivational poster with biceps.

Steele had the match won. Leo had the tights. The referee had cataracts.

And now Leo Maximus is the #1 contender to the Internet Championship.

Hot take: The SWF Internet division is a tech startup on fire.

🎭 RED VELVET WARNING — THE EMPRESS BLEEDS

The Empress delivered a chilling monologue about inevitability. Then Jinx Jester revealed herself like a Scooby-Doo villain. Then Jinx Jester & The Trickster Sister jumped her ambushed majesty.

This wasn’t a warning. This was a declaration of war. Bloody. Messy. Cinema.

So is their Promo Showcase.🍿 

If you want me to predict where this goes next - CONVERGENCE live on pay-per-view is the obvious answer.

🏆 MAIN EVENT: ADAM GLORY vs SHAWN FX — “THE GLORYHOLE INCIDENT”

The Philly crowd chanted “GLORYHOLE” so loudly that the FCC probably filed paperwork.

FX flew around like a caffeinated hummingbird. Glory slowed the match down like a DMV clerk.

The match was good — great even — but the real story is this:

Adam Glory is rewriting history so aggressively that I expect him to publish a textbook.

If you want my full main-event analysis, this one got chaotic quick. Big Business had his fat fingerprints all over this.

Don't even get me started about who the REAL World Champion is. That topic deserves its own column.

THE CANDID CLOSER

SLAM Episode 2 was: chaotic, violent, confusing, hilarious, and deeply concerning.

In other words: A perfect night in the Superstar Wrestling Federation.

- The women’s division is a powder keg.

- The tag division is a prank war.

- The Internet division is a tech demo gone wrong.

- And the world title scene is a custody battle over a belt or belts or belts claiming to be championships.

You can only imagine what will happen once the SWF Multiverse Championship is officially introduced.

Oops. Spoiler alert.

I’ll be back next week. Because someone has to tell the truth around here.

— Curt Candid

The Only Adult in the Room