đ THE MULTIVERSE NEEDS A FACT-CHECKER
By: Loki Van DamDate: May 29, 2026
Location: The Backstage Utility Closet of Infinite Truths (...and Mop Buckets)
A flickering fluorescent bulb buzzes overhead.
A mop leans against a wall.
A halfâbroken fog machine wheezes in the corner.
A laminated “DO NOT TOUCH” sign hangs crookedly on a locker door.
And then—
A head pops into frame.
Green bandana.
Mischievous grin.
Eyes full of chaos and caffeine.
Loki Van Dam.
He steps fully into view, holding a clipboard, a red pen, and a stack of papers that definitely weren’t approved by management.
He clears his throat dramatically.
“Ladies, gentlemen, gods, demigods, llamas, and whatever Thor thinks he is this week…”
He taps the clipboard.
“We need to talk.”
He holds up the papers.
“Because I’ve been reviewing the scripts, the promos, the prophecies, the thunderbolts, the llamaliths, the corporate memos, the rooftop monologues, and the stormâforged declarations…”
He squints at the top page.
“…and none of this shit lines up.”
He looks at the camera.
“Like, at ALL.”
“Let’s start with the big one: THOR VAN HAMMER.”
Loki sighs dramatically.
“Thor, buddy, pal, my favorite walking lightning rod…”
He flips a page.
“You just cut a 1,000âword epic about being the TRUE Multiverse Champion.
The storm incarnate.
The convergence.
The god of gods.
The breaker of realms.
The man who already holds the destiny of the multiverse in his mighty, sweaty hands.”
He nods.
“Very cool. Very cinematic. Very… Thor.”
Then he raises a finger.
“But there’s ONE tiny, microscopic, teenyâweeny problem.”
He leans in.
“You’re booked to lose to the Crimson Machine on Friday.”
He shrugs.
“Like… it’s literally on the run sheet.
Page 3.
Right under ‘Hector forgets his headset again.’”
He taps the clipboard.
“So unless the Crimson Machine is secretly a multiversal entity forged from the tears of forgotten timelines, I’m pretty sure you’re not the Undisputed Anything yet.”
“Continuity Issue #1: You can’t be the Multiverse Champion AND lose on Friday.”
Loki circles something on the page with his red pen.
“That’s not how belts work.
That’s not how booking works.
That’s not how storytelling works.
That’s not how ANYTHING works.”
He shrugs.
“But hey, I get it.
You’re excited.
You’re dramatic.
You’re basically a walking IMAX trailer.”
He pats the air.
“It’s adorable.”
“Continuity Issue #2: The mortals are confused.”
He gestures wildly.
“Adam Glory says he’s the REAL World Champion.
Shawn FX says he’s the rightful champion.
Big Business says he’s the future champion.
Liger Llama says he’s the destined champion.
Thor says he’s the multiverse champion.”
He holds up his hands.
“And the fans at home are sitting there like:
‘Bro, who the hell actually HAS the belt?’”
He nods.
“Valid question.”
He points at the camera.
“Answer: Liger Llama.
He’s literally holding it.
Physically.
In his hands.
Right now.”
He shrugs.
“Unless he lost it in a portal again.
That happens.”
“Continuity Issue #3: The gods are not amused.”
Loki looks up at the ceiling.
“Yeah, I heard you.
I KNOW I wasn’t supposed to say that part.”
He looks back at the camera.
“Anyway, the gods are pissed.”
He counts on his fingers.
“Thor is claiming titles he doesn’t have.
Liger is making prophecies he didn’t clear with the Pantheon.
Adam Glory is calling himself the future of the multiverse without filing the proper paperwork.
Shawn FX is threatening divine retribution from a rooftop in Philly.
Big Business is trying to buy the cosmos.”
He spreads his arms.
“And I’m the one who gets yelled at for breaking kayfabe.”
He throws his hands up.
“UNBELIEVABLE.”
“Continuity Issue #4: Thor’s promo contradicts the booking sheet.”
Loki flips to another page.
“Thor says he’s the convergence.
Thor says he’s the storm.
Thor says he’s the champion of realms.
Thor says he’s already the Undisputed Multiverse Champion.”
He taps the page.
“But the booking sheet says:
‘Crimson Machine defeats Thor Van Hammer via pinfall.’”
He looks at the camera.
“Thor, buddy…
You can’t be the Multiverse Champion AND get pinned by a guy who communicates exclusively in hydraulic hissing.”
He shrugs.
“Unless you’re doing a longâterm story arc where losing actually makes you stronger, in which case—
Hey, respect.
I’ve done that arc like six times.”
“Continuity Issue #5: We can’t pretend decisions weren’t made.”
Loki leans in, whispering loudly.
“Thor, you can’t cut a promo like you’re about to unify the cosmos when you’re literally penciled in to get your hammer handed to you on Friday.”
He taps the clipboard again.
“It’s written in Sharpie, my dude.”
He holds up the pen.
“SHARPIE.”
He shakes his head.
“You don’t argue with Sharpie.”
“Continuity Issue #6: The multiverse is watching.”
Loki steps back, arms wide.
“CONVERGENCE is coming.
The biggest event in the history of everything.
The moment where timelines collide.
The night where champions rise and pretenders fall.”
He nods.
“And we can’t have the buildâup look like a group project where nobody read the assignment.”
He points at the camera.
“Adam Glory is cutting Shakespeare.
Shawn FX is cutting HBO drama.
Big Business is cutting corporate horror.
Liger Llama is cutting prophecy.
Thor is cutting a Marvel movie.”
He shrugs.
“And I’m cutting… whatever THIS is.”
He gestures around the closet.
“Continuity.
Truth.
Chaos.
Mops.”
“So here’s the REAL truth.”
Loki steps forward, deadly serious for the first time.
“CONVERGENCE is not about who screams the loudest.
It’s not about who claims the most titles.
It’s not about who cuts the longest promo.
It’s not about who thinks they’re already champion.”
He taps his chest.
“It’s about who survives the collision.”
He points at the camera.
“And Thor?
Buddy?
You’re not even surviving Friday.”
He grins.
“Crimson Machine is coming.
And he doesn’t care about your storm.”
“FINAL WORDS FROM THE MULTIVERSE’S ONLY HONEST MAN”
Loki spreads his arms.
“Thor Van Hammer is NOT the Multiverse Champion.
Not yet.
Not now.
Not Friday.”
He winks.
“And definitely not after Crimson Machine turns him into a lightningâflavored pancake.”
He salutes with the clipboard.
“You’re welcome, mortals.
Continuity restored.
Chaos maintained.
Loki Van Dam out.”
He steps backward—
Trips over the fog machine—
Falls out of frame.
The fog machine sputters.
Fade out.